Top ten ways you know you've gone too far past Chisasibi Québec

#10: Your compass tells you any direction is south.

#9: Desperate, you consult the map by the light of the aurora.

#8: The St. Bernard's keg is frozen.

#7: You reach the construction site for the Interhemispheric Bering Strait Tunnel & Railroad Group.

#6: The next guy you meet has a tall fur hat and a bottle of vodka, gives you a bear hug and greets you with: "Amerikanski tovarich!"

#5: The next guy you meet has a `coon-tail hat and a bottle of Jack Daniels, a Confederate battle flag, and greets you with: "How y'all do'on?"

#4: The next guy you meet has a booney hat and a bottle of Foster's, gives you a wombat hug and greets you with: "G'day mate!"

#3: The next guy you meet is a right jolly old elf with a long beard, red suit tarnished with ashes and soot, a little round belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, who drives an inline-8 sleigh, and keeps shouting: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

#2: The next guy you meet has a white fur coat, a long nose, and the nastiest teeth you've ever seen, and greets you with: "Grrrrr!" (polar bear for "tasty!)

AND the #1 way you know you've gone too far past Chisasibi Québec:

The sign that says "Welcome to McMurdo Sound!"

Top Ten Reasons Charles could be Late in Returning

#10: Hired as new spokesperson for the Hudson's Bay Company

#9: Ran out of wampum (alcool); smoke-signals for money drifted over Iceland

#8: Truck broke down; waiting for river to freeze so he can skate home

#7: Made a wrong turn at Newfoundland

#6: Detained by RCMP for derogatory remarks about beavers

#5: Arrested by Canadian Customs for attempting to smuggle beaver pelts out of Canada

#4: Arrested by US Dept of Agriculture for illegal importation of insects on truck hood

#3: Bear ate his license plate - detained at border

#2: Unshaven (more than usual), unbathed, emaciated, and semi-delirious (more than usual), taken into protective custody by US Immigration Service pending action on his request for political asylum from Canada

AND the #1 reason Charles could be late in returning:

Gorging himself on Tim Horton's donuts in Ottawa

Top Ten Recreational Activities in Chisasibi Québec

#10: Chisasibi beaver rodeo

#9: Perfecting your moose call technique

#8: Drunken log rolling

#7: Portage race to Pickle Crow, Ontario

#6: The Running of the Moose past Googoom's Kitchen

#5: Arctic circle dancing in the mitchuap (like square dancing in the barn, only round)

#4: The "Canadian National Ballet" (with ostrich feathers)

#3: Home Depot do-it-yourself classes


#2: Watching the aurora at the local drive-in.

AND the #1 recreational activity in Chisasibi Québec:

Charging fireflies off the power grid!

Top Ten Explanations for what Charles is doing in Chisasibi Québec?

#10: Starting the Chisasibi Toastmaster's Club

#9: Promoting llama ranching to unemployed reindeer ranchers

#8: Being initiated into the James Bay Polar Bear Club

#7: Gold prospecting in LaGrande Rivière

#6: Researching DX CQ (long distance amateau radio) contacts bounced off the aurora

#5: Looking for the Northwest Passage

#4: Looking for a shortcut to Berkshire

#3: Trial run for next year's vacation in Antarctica

#2: He's "in rehab."

AND the #1 explanation of what Charles is doing in Chisasibi Québec:

He's "searching for his inner self."